Idol Schmidol

To keep up my tradition this year of being completely out of it, I am posting this blog from a small hotel in Goteborg, Sweden. I have no clue what happened in the show last night - but luckily Mrs. Commish was home taking notes. I don't think she made it through the whole show before passing out from exhaustion, but here are the notes she sent me.

FROM MRS. COMMISH ...

Hi everyone.  We have been sadly absent this season thanks to an especially grueling travel schedule so tonight I am going to try and build a bridge back to your heart.  To be honest, I am way behind on my AI knowledge.  I didn't even watch last week's "talked about" results show.  But after seeing that recap tonight I am not sure I missed as much as I thought.  I love seeing those guys having to pretend they are so excited about Hulk Hogan and all the other brou-ha-ha they have to endure around their three minutes of singing. As each season passes the contestants have to deal with a more cynical and prying public and the chances of commercial success get slimmer and slimmer.  Lee De Wyze, anyone?  Kris Allen?  I barely remembered their names and we run a fantasy American Idol league for crying out loud.

I have to say that the judges have been entertaining.  It is the kinder, gentler American Idol and in some ways it is nice.  The comments are all variations on a general theme of pleasantness.  They love everyone.  Randy tries to take on Simon's mantle from time to time but somehow he isn't endearing.  The show is complete fluff, even more so than in years past.

I have also noticed that the contestants seem uber-professional.  I mean, how are they going to do the winner's makeover for Pia?  We loved watching Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood transform before our eyes but these guys are by and large image savvy.  After all, they have grown up watching the show.  They know what people want to see.

So now we are live.  Is that a new announcer?  OK, just tattoo a big "L" on my forehead that I would even ask that question.  Who in their right mind with a life would ask that?   Ooh, Elton John.  I love him but will cringe at all these soundbite vanilla versions of great songs all night.  OK, I'll stop being so cynical.

Now they are having a lesson in style... they must have read my mind.  The photographer said Scotty has natural elegance.  Really?  I think it is so funny that all these people think he is so great.  They don't know country music or any of the artists he copies.  He is 17 and I am impressed with anyone who can get up there and sing for millions of people at that age, but he is just OK.  He just did the obligatory, "I love you, Grandma!"  Blech to that last note.  The judges love it of course.

Naima is doing reggae.  I love that they show the guy telling her what to say in the intro and now she says that verbatim.  Somehow it doesn't have the same power.  She has great energy and is really likable but I could never hear this version again and be fine.  She might go home.  Did she just say, "Boom, fire" at the end?  "Some songs are not meant to be flipped like that 360, 180, whatever you want to call it"- Jennifer Lopez.

Why are these shows two hours?  Just a quick vent.

I can't get past Paul's teeth.  They are so stinking white I feel like he is trying to sell me a set of knives or a vacuum or something.  One time I was at a rest stop in North Carolina and these five teenagers cornered me trying to sell Cutco knives.  I told them they had to be insane freaking people out like that.  I feel really mean tonight but I don't love this version.  Elton's is so good and I think Paul is even missing some chords or something.  I once said this about Fergie but this voice sounds like Adam Sandler when he is joking around.

I think Pia is a cyborg.   Jimmy just told her to go somewhere between Fergie and Axl Rose with her version.  So... somewhere between peeing your pants on stage and psycho breakdown?  I just had to slip a reason in there to show that picture again.  Ha!  That is for you Prof B, aka Country Strong.  For those of you newbies this picture somehow makes it to the blog every season.  "You know how I know a good song?  It makes me cry inside"- Steven Tyler.  That is the only place he CAN cry anymore after all that face work.

Stefano is up now.  I didn't like him much last week on that Lionel Richie song and I guess America put him in the bottom two.  He sounds good on the chorus.  I actually kind of like this version.  He has been as good as anyone else so far.

"Lauren ate the camera up" said the photographer.  I like this girl.  It's probably the mama in me and she still seems young and naive. She has been the most vulnerable about the pressure too which makes her seem more human.  "Best of the night"- Jennifer Lopez.

Now is the part where James has to keep pretending to be excited about meeting Hulk Hogan.  He just the word "beer" like "behh" and it bothered me.  Sing like you talk, dude.  I guess that performance was exciting but in a bit of a scary way for me.  It felt like he was an arsonist about to burn something down with all that anger and fire.  Randy is right- he does love performing and that is refreshing.

I don't know how Thia does this at such a young age.   I would be curled in a fetal position on the stage singing "Memory" from Cats. I like her innocence and her tone is amazing.  She sounds at least 5 years older than she is and that voice will be unbelievable when she is 30.

They're trying to get Casey to have a humble tone and shave his beard.  He seems to have done a bit of both.  This sounds really good and is an artistic interpretation.  His angry face and constipation tone just came back-yikes!  OK, now he is back to singing sweetly.

(To be continued??)