Idol Schmidol

Last night we were able to see some of the back story for each of the remaining contestants. They all had to pick a song that came out in the year they were born. They do this just to remind us that we are too old to be watching this show. I am currently on spring break so my comments will be short.

Naima (1984) chose What's Love Got To Do With It after showing that her family has a very limited wardrobe. That first verse was possibly the most boring sounding first verse since Haley Scarnato. Our pal Steven Tyler (ST) said "You have a sorcerers grasp for melody." I have no earthly clue what that means so I googled "sorcerer's grasp". Of course the first five results were just links to the quote from Mr. Tyler. But according to the all-knowing Wikipedia, a sorcerer's grasp for magic (as compared to a wizard) has "more flexibility in the moment but less versatility overall." That really clears things up.

Speaking of wizards, Paul McDonald (1984) was up next. He picked I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues partly because it was released in 1984 and partly because it doesn't require much range to sing it. Poor guy has the little bug that is floating around the Idol mansion. I am all for original voices, but this performance felt more like someone woke Rod Stewart up after a 3 day drinking binge and put a microphone in his hand. Even Paul knew it wasn't that great. ST said "Cool dude in a loose mood." Have I mentioned that I am so glad he is a judge on this show?

"Tonight's wardrobe for Steven Tyler and J Lo brought to you by Chico's" - Mrs. Commish

Next up was Thea Megia (1995) who was brought into this world just as I was starting my 2nd semester in college. She sang Colors of the Wind. I need to write more songs like this and Smell the Color 9. I think if you can confuse the listener with the title, then you already have a good start for a movie soundtrack song. On another note, please keep your eyes out for my latest release, "The Weeping Mountain". Thea actually might have had the best vocal of the night, but the judges felt like it was safe. I agree.

Speaking of safe, after James Durbin's (1989) Bon Jovi song I think Adam Lambert can rest easy that he will not be supplanted by the man with a tail. It was really pitchy. "Don't get too poppy on me." - ST

Haley Rinehardt (1990) not only sang a song from her birth year, but she also wore 21 inch heels to commemorate her years on this earth. She stumbled around singing I'm Your Baby Tonight using the microphone as a giant crayon on which she would transfer her red lipstick from her lips to her chin and cheeks. That is one of the main reasons I don't wear red lipstick on stage. Although she was actually pretty "on" with her vocals, I just don't care for the sound of it much. I am just not sure what is going to endear her to the voting public. I think she should have taken the Red Lipstick Massacre even further and just gone for a big clown smile. Now THAT would be memorable.

Next up we see Stefano Langone's (1989) dad saying "I've passed something on to my children." I think he was talking about musical ability but we all know he was talking about the soul patch and tuft of chin hair. Stefano sings If You Don't Know Me By Now and does a pretty good job. The judges like it mucho. "Best Performance of the night so far" - Randy.

This is the point when the DVR at my parent's house did something screwy and stopped taping the show. So I didn't get to see Pia do her disco version of Where Do Broken Hearts Go, hear Scotty belch out Can I Trust You With My Heart ("No" - Mrs. Commish), witness Karen Hernandez in her lingerie singing Love Will Lead You Back ("to my brothel" - Mrs. Commish), or feel a mixture of horror and humor when Casey growled out his Nirvana song. Darn you, technology! But from what I heard in the recaps at the end of the show it seemed like Pia was probably the winner of those four.

We fixed the DVR problem just in time to see Lauren Alaina (1994) sing I'm The Only One. You could tell from the look on her face that she was trying to cover up the fact that she felt like crap. You could also tell from her pre-performance interview with "Peaches" that she was probably heavily medicated. Lots of giggling going on. Mrs. Commish and I keep commenting that her mother looks like she is our age. They are really rubbing it in now. At some point ST mentions that strep throat makes people sing better sometimes. Really?!? It might make some pop stars sing better because they don't mind turning up the vocal track, but in my experience a painful, swollen, closed throat hasn't been particularly helpful for talking - much less singing. But as we have learned, Steven knows what he is talking about (see: sorcerer's grasp).

Speaking of swollen throats, Jacob Lusk (1987) finished out the night with Heart's Alone. I wasn't sure what Jacob was talking about when he mentioned the "Lusky Stank" but after that performance I think I have a good idea of what he was referring to. That performance was a lot of things to me. Pleasant was not one of them. The judges were very nice to him and therefore made me miss Simon for one of the first times this season. Simon would have torn him apart - not because he is a bad singer, but because he knows that the record sales for Jacob's first CD whether he wins this show or not will be in the hundreds. Nevertheless, ST said "The Gospel had a baby and named it Jacob Lusk".

Well said, Steven. Well said.